


how we love

by Dubiousculturalartifact (222Ravens)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Autistic Character, Fluff, relationship building
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-22 15:05:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12484404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/222Ravens/pseuds/Dubiousculturalartifact
Summary: "Have you ever been in love?"or, how Michael Burnham has always understood gravity, but never much about falling.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone in my "Sociology 390: The Sociology of Star Trek" class, is reading this, give me a shout in the comments

“Have you ever been in love?” Tilly blurts out, in one of her characteristic outbursts, shortly into their acquaintance.

 

Michael pauses. She doesn’t mean to. It’s a simple enough question, but she pauses, anyway. Tilly notices, because of course Tilly does, and stops smiling, immediately. Michael hates that, immediately.

 

“Sorry. That’s a personal question, I’m supposed to… You’re supposed to be less abrupt about asking that sort of thing, I just thought of it, because I was thinking about love, and the words just… pop!” Her hands are moving as she speaking, and there’s something oddly… Engaging, about that. Michael almost wants to comment on it, but it’s not relevant. It’s not important. It just sort of… Is.

 

“It’s fine.” Michael says, instead, and smiles, the tight smile of politeness when you’re uncomfortable about something, but you don’t want the other person to pick up on it. “But no. I suppose I haven’t been. Not in the romantic sense. It’s not of disinterest, exactly, in the traditional sense. Just… Circumstance, I suppose.”

 

Circumstance, because being Vulcan means that love is a dusty, abstract thing. Or something dangerous, something meant for other people, more foolish than yourself. Circumstance, because she had _loved_ , true. Loved her ship, her crew, her captain, but she was never  _in love_. Verb tenses are funny, like that.

 

“Huh.” Tilly says, quietly.

 

“How about you?” Michael asks, because she thinks knows the answer already, Tilly so full of love for the universe, brimming over with emotions felt deeply.

 

It’s different, from the way Vulcans do it. How they cope with deep emotions, by conscious effort to bury them under layers of everything else. Logic. Knowledge. Data points and crisp observation, lest something come spilling out. To any other path lies disaster, that’s how Michael was taught, that’s how she believes. Except. Tilly might be a whirlwind, but she’s no disaster. She might be overbrimming, but she seems to lose nothing, through that.

 

“Yup! Never worked out, but I’m not sad it happened.” Tilly says, a little bittersweet, and for the moment, Michael is content in knowing that she’d judged her character right. 


	2. Chapter 2

"Basically I figure, if I just try to be you, I'll do fine." Tilly jokes, once.

 

"You shouldn't." Michael snaps, harsher than she means. 

  
  
It’s not that Michael doesn’t want to help Tilly, because she knows Tilly could use the advice. That she has things to offer, and ways to smooth Tilly's path forward. But she’s cautious about it, all the same.

 

“I meant it, though. When I said you. I don’t want you to ever feel like… I’m helping you because I think you have talent, and you’re compassionate, and you’ll make an excellent captain, but… Don’t try to be me.” She tries explaining, instead.

 

Because she doesn’t want that. She knows Tilly respects her, knows that’s mutual, almost despite herself. But she’s aware of how it could happen that way.That power could become unevenly distributed, in their dynamic. That Tilly could let her uniqueness be smothered, in the attempt to live up to a specific standard. 

 

Michael knows the latter intimately. Knows that she doesn’t regret her own life, or who she is, now. But also knows about the moments she regrets, and the broken things, and she doesn’t want that, for Tilly.

 

Except Tilly shakes her head, and there’s something of a laugh, there. Like she gets what Michael is trying to say, but she’s two steps ahead, anyway. “No, I mean. I... I didn't mean that literally. I just like taking your advice. I’m going to follow you, when you’re right about something, or when your strategy makes sense, But, I do that partly because… I mean, I couldn’t _be you_. We’re totally different, but you also don’t _treat_ me like I’m different, you know? Or you don’t make it… Weird. I respect that.”

 

Vulcans ascribe to the theory of infinite diversity in infinite combinations. They ascribe to the theory, but practice is sometimes a different matter. Starfleet and Earth society values the principles of diversity and inclusion. They don’t always live their values. It’s not the same as it had been, once. But tensions exist. Fractures exist. Rough edges, where a person can find themselves caught. People are messy and complicated, and not always understanding of difference, even when they’re trained for it. Tilly doesn’t miss that, she just allows herself to operate, chiefly unhindered by those restraints.

 

It’s a quality that’s admirable, in a way. Michael doesn’t smile, but she’s pleased, nonetheless. She also doesn’t say any of that, just. “Ah.”

 

“Yeah! I don’t know. I like being different, though. I mean, when you’re different enough that it’s an official identity category that you can ascribe to yourself, with a big ole capital A…” Tilly says, and flaps her hands a little. “Kinda hard not to be, and still wind up liking yourself.”

 

“That's good. Sometimes all you can do is operate within your own parameters. Other people, their opinions? They’re important, if you respect the person, or to succeed in an institution. But at the end of the day, there’s you. And only you can be accountable to that.” Michael says, finally.

 

“”So your big advice of the day is ‘be yourself’?”

 

Michael quirks a brow. “Everyone else is taken, aren’t they?”

 

It’s a good thing, too. She wouldn’t want to deny the universe of Sylvia Tilly.


End file.
